By: Laura Bennett
Valentine’s Day comes and goes with very little fanfare for the unmarried, uncoupled or uninterested, but without fail it fills our feeds with content about the reality of modern relationships and what you’re up against if you want a healthy one.
This week a book landed on my desk: a Christian approach to “bringing your romance fantasies into the real world”. Then, I was sent an article on “heterofatalism” (we’ll get to that), got a link to podcaster’s theories on declining birth rates, was reminded having a boyfriend is embarrassing now, and suffered through ads for whatever they’re doing on the new season of Married at First Sight.
The dating world these days really is a complex one. Even in the Christian sphere, agreed upon boundaries of what we’re looking for, how to behave, views on intimacy and the value of marriage itself are seemingly dissolving.
After overcoming the hurdle of meeting someone online or in person, you have to assess whether their framework for dating and relationships is the same as yours: are they a Christian who’s dismissed “traumatic purity culture” or do they still see sex as “sacred”? What gender roles do they support? Do they value monogamy in dating? Are they interested in marriage or is it too traditional for them? Can we just have fun hanging out? You cannot assume anything.
As a church-raised teen, marriage was painted as the pathway to greater purpose, family, sex and experiencing God’s ideal relational framework. If you weren’t married, the implication was you should prepare yourself for an unfinished form of life: childless, untouched and alone.
However, once you reach 25 and don’t have a husband and four kids, there’s a world beyond the one you were told was coming that you can’t ignore and have to figure out how to handle. You find joy in singleness. You find some God-fearing women chose solo IVF, adoption or fostering to have kids. That not all “Christian” men and women are nice people who make ideal partners. That independence isn’t horrible, and that in our Western society a spouse may help in having financial security but isn’t a necessity. We haven’t even touched on the variety of views on sex.
It’s a newfound awareness that can work against us: if we don’t “have to” have marriage anymore, do we still want it?
Yes, there’s still the predominant norm of school, study, job, partner, kids, holiday but there’s a growing “rebellion” against that and less judgement allowed of those who defect. We can be lazy in dating because, well, what does it matter if it goes nowhere?
Which brings me to “heterofatalism” – a phenomenon contributing to aforementioned defection.
The term expands on scholar Asa Sersin’s original definition of “heteropessimism” reflecting the resigned experience of – largely women – dealing with their coexisting desire for a male partner and disappointment in the process of finding one.
A few things need to be addressed here:
Can we ditch the idea that wanting a relationship is “embarrassing”?
You don’t need to overcome your very human, very God-given need for connection, community and companionship. It doesn’t have to be found in a romantic context, but it’s OK if you want it to be found there. Total self-sufficiency is not our end goal.
In “heterofatalism” there’s a read-between-the-lines suggestion that men are dropping the ball in the relationship equation.
I don’t want to exacerbate that narrative. For many reasons men – especially young ones – are having their roles in society redefined which, at its best, opens up space for inclusion and reflection but, at its worst, destabilises confidence and identity. Some guys do get things wrong in relationships. But us women do too.
As much as we’d like to believe these attitudes don’t affect the church and dating in Christianity is different, sadly they do and it isn’t.
Our feeds are filled with the same commentary, users on our apps ghost just as much, and we’re dating people who hear the same stories everyone else does about the changing relational landscape.
While we have the benefit of hope in a God who “ordained all our days before one of them came to be”, it also means we have bigger questions about why we haven’t met someone yet.
Unlike our “defeated secular counterparts” we can’t just blame “a terrible dating scene” for the husband we pray for still not being in our lives, or why one friend can meet their partner online in months and you can’t. Our answer to the (dumb, unnecessary and backhanded compliment) question of, “How are you still single?” feels dramatically existential.
We have to balance the fight in our minds between knowing it’s OK to be single, given some of the greatest biblical figures were – including Jesus himself – with the fact that God tells us He’ll grant us the desires of our heart and that for many that’s still marriage.
We live in a wait we don’t know will end: will our story be one of finding someone, or of accepting that not all prayers are answered in the way we want?
There’s no way of knowing for sure, and if you don’t see an end date to when you have to find this person by – first weddings happen at 50 friends – our hope only expires when we choose to let it.
What we do have control over is how we wait.
Will you engage in the life you currently have while you press forward in building another one?
Will you delight in the coupling of friends while you’re still single?
Will you commit to seeing purpose in what’s in your hands without wishing for what could be?
Don’t believe the lie that a single life isn’t fulfilling or rich with God’s goodness, but don’t also fall into the trap of idolising self-sufficiency. You have God-given inherent value just as you are, but it is OK to want someone romantically to share your life with.
Article supplied with thanks to Hope Media.
About the Author: Laura Bennett is a media professional, broadcaster and writer from Sydney, Australia.
Feature image: Canva
