By: Ben Kiujian
As Father’s Day approaches this year I’m pausing to consider whether I’m being a good father and how that responsibility ranks alongside all the others I hold at work and in life.
I don’t just want to be a good father; I want to be a good husband, a good member of my community, a good leader, a good son… maybe I want too much?!
Can you relate?
With so many varied responsibilities, how can we prioritise these different realms of life and ensure that we’re investing where it matters most?
As I’ve been reflecting on this lately, I’ve found it most helpful to think about Connection and Direction.
For me, these two ideas have been key to making sense of where I put my energy—and how I lead the people closest to me, at home and at work.
Connection
Human beings are hard-wired for connection.
There is increasing understanding in our world about the power of connection. I’ve been significantly impacted by Gabor Mate’s work on addiction and connection. He writes: “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, it is connection.” He suggests that many maladaptive coping behaviours, addiction included, arise from attempts to soothe the pain of disconnection and isolation, not simply from underlying disease or moral failing.
The value of connections—especially with our spouses and children—is hard to overstate, but the real challenge is learning how to prioritise between them.
On Father’s Day a few years ago, my then Pastor preached a sermon entitled, “How to be the best dad?” his conclusion has stuck with me since, “love your wife.”It’s radically counterintuitive. We tend to think that to be the best dad, I have to do stuff with my children – spend time with them, buy them ice cream, sit on the couch and hug them – these are all great things!
But even more powerful is looking after your wife’s needs. Spending time investing in a real relationship with her and making sure her cup is full. It’s a strange principle, but getting that one key connection right has significant ramifications for all of the others.
So if you’re struggling to work out how to be a good father this Father’s Day, go and love your wife well. (equally true for any wives reading this and thinking about how to love their husbands).
In the same way, leaders who strengthen their central relationships at work set the tone for the health and unity of the whole organisation. When you intentionally strengthen your most vital connections—such as your core team—the health and resilience of the wider group are transformed.
Prioritising connection is important, but I think it’s only half of the puzzle. Of equal importance is the question of direction.
Direction
If our connections are like ties that bind us with others, it follows that the direction in which we are pulling becomes the way that we are leading others.
As you are leading your spouse, leading your kids or leading your teams, where are you pulling?
I don’t mean “What is your career path?” or “What is your 10-year plan?” but what is the general direction and bearing of your heart? What is guiding your decision-making and your values and convictions in life? What voices are you listening to and letting influence you?
Speaking of influence, I’ll never forget something I heard a few years ago that the most influential leader in your life is YOU!
Think about that for a minute, of all the things you and I consume, all of the noise from the influencers and content-creators, it all goes through one giant filter – ourselves!
If that is true, then one of the key questions we have to be asking ourselves regarding our direction is “How am I leading myself?”
I don’t know if you’re anything like me, but leading myself is much harder than it sounds.
We’re a forgetful people. We have good intentions, but then we get sidetracked. We put resolutions in place, only to break them. We pursue the shiny things our eyes are attracted to, instead of the truly good. We chase quick fixes rather than purposeful investment that requires sacrifice.
While this may seem depressing at first, I want to submit to you that it is, in fact, the opposite. While we’ve just said leading yourself is not easy, if we can get this right, I believe it holds incredible synthesising power. To go from trying to lead many different people in multiple different ways to focusing on getting the one most important thing right.
Personally, for me as a Christian, I place my highest priority in following in the direction God is leading me. As I set His voice above all others in my life, it has this miraculous ability to get me moving in a direction that then brings alignment and direction to my countless other connections, including my wife, my children and those I lead in the various facets of my life.
As a leader, the direction you set for yourself doesn’t just guide your own life—it ripples out, influencing the vision, morale, and effectiveness of everyone connected to you, both at home and in your organisation.
While I’m wrestling this year with how to be a good father and leader, here is my conclusion:
Being a good father and leader is a worthy endeavour, but I’m not strong enough or proactive enough to take good care of hundreds of healthy connections and the responsibility for leading others. So in my own life I am trying to just focus on these key things:
Focus on my closest connections. Prioritising my wife and kids above all others gives me strength to lead with confidence across many other spheres.
For my direction, I look to God. By listening to Him above all others and following His lead, the other things seem to fall in their right place. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” – Matt 6:33.
Whether you’re leading a family or a team, the choices you make about where you invest your focus and how you chart your course will shape the culture and well-being of every circle you influence.
I pray that wherever you are and whatever your relationship with fatherhood may have looked like, these reflections encourage you and help move you in the right direction, too.
Article supplied with thanks to Rhema 99.7.
Feature image: Canva
